What a difference a day makes! I know she didn’t coin the phrase, but my Aunt Shirley told me that after I had my first baby. It was amazing how I could be big and miserable-not being able to sit, stand, or lie down comfortably-one day, and being 15 pounds or so lighter and holding that precious baby, which was making me feel that way, the very next day. Well, recently, I was thinking about that phrase with regard to my very first baby-the one that I lost.
My husband was ready to have kids as soon as we got married. Me, not so much. I was in grad school and soon after we got married, I was working at my dream job. To be very honest, I was trying to figure out how it was all going to work. You know. . .having it all-the great marriage, wonderful well-adjusted children, and a thriving career. Spoiler alert: I still haven’t figured it out. 😊 Anyway, two years into our marriage, I found out I was pregnant. It was amazing. Within a moment’s time, my thinking switched from what was going on at work, my next school assignment and what we should do for our next vacation to thinking about purchasing a house with a nice backyard, wondering if I should stay home or continue working, and who should I choose to be my OB/GYN.
The pregnancy tests that we took showed faint lines, so I couldn’t figure out if I really was pregnant and just very early or what. We went to the public health department, but we did not get a definite answer. So, we went to my family doctor, and he took a blood test. It showed that I was pregnant, but my HCG (pregnancy hormone) level was low, which meant I was either very early in my pregnancy and the numbers would increase. Or I was in the process of miscarrying and the numbers were on their way down. A week later, I repeated the test to find that I had indeed miscarried. To say the very least, that was a tough blow. That (pregnant-not pregnant) process spanned over about a week and a half. Again, it was amazing how our focus had changed dramatically during that time and how devastated we were by this news! I know that for many this (a single or multiple miscarriages) is the end of the story, but in God’s kindness to us, it was not the end of our story. Later that same year, we discovered we were pregnant again and 9 months later, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. And within the next 8 years, God would bless us with two more beautiful baby girls.
A year after our youngest baby girl, I started working a part-time job and I discovered that I was pregnant again. At this point, we were living on the West Coast (away from family), and I was 39 years old, feeling pretty “fulfilled” where children were concerned. The thought of having another baby (which would give me two under two years old) was incredibly overwhelming. At the time, we did not have insurance, so in order to get Medicaid, I had to show proof of pregnancy by a licensed medical provider. So, I went to a crisis pregnancy center to get the “proof”. They confirmed I was pregnant and set an appointment to have an ultrasound. I wrote down the appointment, but I really had not planned to go as they usually schedule those for people who are on the fence about continuing their pregnancies. I ended up forgetting about it. . . until the day of the appointment. I mentioned it to my husband and said I could cancel it, but he said we ought to go. We went and the ultrasound showed “two little beans”. “Umm, is that two babies I see??”, I asked the ultrasound tech. Because she was not a nurse practitioner or a doctor, she could not “confirm or deny”, so she asked me how many I saw. I said, “Two”. She said, “Well, I see two, too.” Oh. My. Goodness. Twins. Identical Twins. Overwhelmed was now an understatement. Three babies under two years old. I could write 5 more pages just about all of the emotions I experienced, but I won’t. I can say, though, that God, as He always does, met me where I was and led me to Psalm 127. I read it repeatedly almost daily. My heart focused on verses 3-5:
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”
Over the next 6 weeks, we were able to see the growth of our babies by various ultrasounds. You see, I was pregnant with “MoMo twins” (Monoamniotic-Monochorionic) meaning they shared the same amniotic sac and placenta (they were not conjoined), but have their own umbilical cords They are rare (about 1 in 35,000-60,000 pregnancies) and the survival rate of MoMo twins in utero is about 60-70%, because they can get tangled up in each other’s cords as they lacked a membrane that separates the two. It was amazing to see how they went from “bean-looking” babies to tiny babies with heads, arms, legs, fingers, toes, and heartbeats.
I was walking home from work when I started to feel as though something was not right. I was correct. I was bleeding. I was diagnosed with Placenta Previa and put on bedrest. Via ultrasound, we could see the babies were happy and healthy, though. We were looking forward to an appointment the following week-one for high intensity ultrasound that would tell us, for sure, whether or not there was a membrane separating the two babies. Well, as it turned out, we showed up for the appointment on October 18, but we couldn’t even answer the question regarding the membrane, because the nurse could not hear the heartbeats of the babies.
Again, devastated does not begin to express all of the emotions we were experiencing. Neither my husband nor I ever stopped believing in God-whether He existed or not. I did, however, begin to question His goodness. He knew this would happen. Why did He allow it? While I gleaned a lot from the experience, I don’t know why He allowed it.
I made an appointment to see my OB for two days later. He confirmed the news and scheduled an appointment for me to have a D & E (just a more extensive D & C) procedure. Afterwards, we came home and just sat in front of the TV. The Oprah Winfrey Show was on. I’m not a big fan of Oprah, but it was on, and I was watching. She just so happened to be interviewing a couple who had lost their three children in a serious auto accident. The following year, she became pregnant. . .with triplets! They discussed their heartbreaking experience of losing their children and the joy of having three more babies as they brought the happy, healthy toddlers on stage. In my hurt, anger and pride, I asked God in prayer, “How are you going to redeem me?”.
Well, 6 months later, I learned that I was pregnant again. . .our first baby boy. We relocated back to the Midwest when, after a blizzard, I learned that I was pregnant again. . .our second baby boy due October 18 (4 years later). Some of you may think that I’m making a bigger deal of this than I need to and that this is just a coincidence, but nothing is a coincidence. God orchestrates everything in His perfect timing. Because He knows even the number of hairs on my head, I believe that our baby boy’s October 18th due date was a special gift-a reminder that He was there with us when we lost our babies. He was there with us when He gifted us with our baby boys. And He will always be with us.
Fast forward 6 years, at 50 and 49 years of age, respectively, my husband and I felt as though our quiver was full with 5 children. But God wasn’t done yet. He saw fit to bring yet another beautiful baby boy into our lives through foster care/adoption. Three precious children lost to miscarriage. Three precious children redeemed. Every October, I reflect on this amazing story of redemption, of God’s infinite kindness to remind me of great things He has done, His faithfulness. But what I realize is that it is merely a foretaste of a greater redemption that has yet to take place. Jesus Christ, who suffered and died on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins in our place, was buried and raised on the third day, conquering death. After walking the earth for 40 days, He ascended to Heaven where he is currently seated at the right hand of God, our Heavenly Father. He will return one day and take His children with Him to a place He has prepared for us. I Thessalonians 4:16-18 describes it this way,
“For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.”
Can you imagine it? One day, walking around being somewhat consumed with the cares of this world (i.e., going to work, going to the grocery store, paying bills, etc.) and the next being caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord and living with Him forevermore. What a difference a day makes!
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